When your child has a big reaction, your first instinct is likely to try to make them stop. Of course it is, because their reactions can be incredibly disruptive.
But there's a smarter, kinder way to handle big reactions that actually defuses situations more effectively and makes it less likely that they will happen to begin with.
The key is understanding the "Yuck Curve" - and knowing when to intervene, and when to let feelings pass.
Understanding the "Yuck Curve" (and why it matters)
Think of intense feelings as a rainbow-shaped curve. When something triggers your child - a no, a change, a disappointment - their Yuck (uncomfortable feeling) builds up, hits a peak, and eventually comes down on its own.
Complete the Curve
If the child is allowed to travel that whole curve, the body releases the emotion and they return to a truly regulated state.
Interrupting Too Early
If we interrupt the curve too soon, the Yuck doesn't leave. It goes back inside and shows up later as grumpy behavior, more meltdowns, or persistent moodiness.
So we don't want to stop them from traveling the Yuck Curve. But that doesn't mean that we never "distract" (or "change the channel"). We just don't want to change the channel too early on the Yuck Curve.
Three simple steps to use tonight
Let them travel the curve
Unless they're a danger to themselves or others, give a little space for the emotion to rise and fall. Stay regulated. Your presence and regulation tell them they're safe.
Watch for when they get stuck
IF (and only if) the intensity stays high and they can't start to come down, that's a sign that they may be stuck in Yuck, and that's when you intervene. You'll likely see repeated angry statements, escalating crying that doesn't lessen, or getting fixated on the threat.
Change the channel strategically
Changing the channel isn't just about ignoring what they're upset about. It's helping their brain re-focus on something safe so they can travel the rest of the Yuck Curve.
Two ways to change the channel
Cognitive tasks
When they're starting to come down but still grumpy, give a small mental task that's easy but engaging… not stressful. For example:
Look for at least 2 objects of every color of the rainbow -- two red things, two orange things…
Put the names of the characters from your favorite movie into alphabetical order
Engaging cognitive tasks bring the more logical part of the brain back online, and signal to the brain that it's safe enough to move out of fight or flight.
Change the environment
Move together to a new space. This would ideally be outside, since nature helps reset the nervous system. But even walking to another room works.
New surroundings interrupt the brain's loop of threat-focused thinking.
Pro tips
Suggesting a "channel change" out of the blue may make your child more upset. To make this more effective:
- You do a "changing the channel" activity without suggesting that they do it. Even though they may not appreciate your suggestion when they're in Yuck, when they see you doing it, they're more likely to join you.
- Outside of the moment of upset, teach them about the Yuck Curve. Talk to them about the concept of changing the channel if they get stuck on the Curve, and ask them what they'd like you to do when you see them stuck in Yuck.
FAQ - quick answers parents search for
"Is distraction bad for tantrums?"
Not always. Distraction is harmful if it stops the child before they finish the curve because that just buries the feeling. Distraction (or "changing the channel") is useful when a child is stuck and needs a safety cue to finish calming down.
"How long should I let my child cry or be upset?"
There's no fixed time. Watch the intensity. Let them move up and start coming down naturally. If the intensity isn't dropping or they're spiraling, that's when you step in to change the channel.
"Won't letting them feel angry teach them this is okay?"
Feelings aren't about right or wrong. They're information. Letting kids feel and then teaching them how to finish the feeling helps them learn that emotions pass and they can handle them.
"What if my child refuses to do a cognitive task?"
First, change your OWN channel! Your regulation is a key component in signaling to their nervous system that they're safe. Then do a "changing the channel" activity yourself. When they see you do it, they're more likely to join. Also, talk to your child outside of the moment so they can provide input for a plan that will work for them.
When you shouldn't wait
Safety first.
If your child is hurting themselves or others, step in immediately and keep everyone safe. Use calm, firm limits and return to the travel-the-curve approach once things are de-escalated.
Try this tonight
Next time your child melts down, slow your response down by one step. Let the Curve happen. Watch for getting stuck. If they're stuck, offer a small cognitive task or invite them to a new spot. Use one of the short scripts above and see what shifts.
👉 Grab the Quick Reference Guide: Print the "Distraction or Change the Channel?" cheatsheet and keep it on the fridge or save a photo on your phone. It provides a fast checklist - what to say and do on the way up, at the peak, and on the way down - plus ready-to-use cognitive tasks and environment-change ideas.
You're doing the right work. Little shifts like this lead to calmer evenings, fewer meltdowns, and kids who learn to handle their own big feelings.