There are moments in parenting where you start with one simple request, and it turns into a whole speech…not because you want it to, but because your child isn't listening or responding.
You ask again. You explain. You remind them. You warn. You try to be kind and logical. And somehow your words start to feel…invisible.
You do this because you care. You're trying to help your child understand. You're trying to keep things calm. You're trying to get the day moving.
But the problem is, when your child is in that overwhelmed state, extra talking can feel like more of a threat.
So when you shift from a long explanation (which is like an entire article), to a quick phrase (like a brief headline) and then follow through with what you said you would do, your child has less to argue with and more room to move forward.
In this blog we will talk about how to increase your influence with your child by saying less, not more.
Why You Talk More When Your Child Resists
Let's be real and start with your perspective.
When simple routines like brushing their teeth, going to bed, doing their homework, or even screen time, start turning into a struggle, it tends to also affect your whole nervous system.
You feel ignored, maybe disrespected, which will result in you getting overstimulated by the number of things that still need to happen. And in that moment, it's easy to feel out of control.
When humans feel out of control, we often try harder.
For parents, "trying harder" usually looks like talking more:
- Explaining why what we want them to do matters
- Listing consequences
- Giving speeches
- Teaching lessons mid-meltdown
- Repeating the same sentence five different ways
Those responses make sense. When things feel out of control, your brain looks for ways to regain order. Talking more can feel like the fastest tool you have.
But your child's brain might hear all those words as more pressure.
Why It's Too Much for Them
Here's the thing: The fact that they have to do something that they probably don't want to do is already uncomfortable for them. It already takes effort to accept and acknowledge it.
They're already "in Yuck."
Then you add more words.
Now they're processing the task they don't want to do, plus your feelings, plus your logic, plus your reminders -- all of which are implying that they shouldn't feel how they feel.
That can push them deeper into self-protection.
Self-protection can look like negotiating, or being disrespectful, or being resistant, or even shutting down.
So the more you talk, the less you will influence your child at that moment.
Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because their brain can't take in extra input when they're already in that "Yuck" state.
The "Headline Rule": Give the Short Version of The Expectation
Here's a shift that can improve the situation:
Give the headline, not the whole article.
In context, the "headline" is short. Clear. Neutral.
Examples of "headline" requests:
"It's bedtime."
"Shoes on."
"iPad off."
"I'll wait for a respectful tone."
"Homework time."
That's it.
Notice what's missing:
- the lecture
- the long "why"
- the warning stacked on the reminder
- the extra commentary about how you asked nicely already
This isn't about being cold. It's about being clear.
Most kids handle it better when the message is simple.
Set Expectations Ahead of Time
Saying less works best when you do a little setup ahead of time.
Not during the storm. Before the storm.
Your goal is to tell your child two things:
- What you expect.
- What you will do if they don't listen.
That second part matters a lot, because it removes the need to debate later.
Here are a few examples:
Bedtime
"After we finish this book, it's bedtime and I'm leaving your room. If you ask for more things, I'll shake my head once. Then I'll stop responding."
Tone
"We speak respectfully in this house. If I hear a disrespectful tone, I will stop responding until the tone changes."
Screen Time
"When the timer goes off, the iPad is off. If there is resistance, I will turn off the wifi, and we can try again the next day."
Remember, this is not a threat. It's a plan.
You're not trying to scare them into compliance. You're removing confusion for them.
And you're gaining confidence for yourself because you won't wonder what to do in the moment if they resist.
If you want help doing this without overthinking it, I made a free printable decision-tree you can keep as a reminder.
It walks you through what to say ahead of time, what to say in the moment, and what to do next if your child resists.
Grab it here → Say It Once: A Plan for When Kids Push Back
Follow Through Without the Extra Commentary
This is the hardest part for many parents, especially if you work hard to prevent the moment from escalating.
When your child resists, your job is not to convince them. Your job is to take the action you said, without getting sucked into their reaction.
That means you repeat less and you do what you said you would do.
Remember, more commentary adds heat.
It adds pressure to your child which can result in more resistance.
💡 Follow-through is what teaches. Consistency is what shifts the pattern.
Saying Less Is Leadership
Here's an example that makes this easy to picture.
Imagine you mess up at work. Maybe you attach the wrong file or miss an important detail.
Then your boss walks over. They're not angry, and you can tell they mean well.
But instead of keeping it short, they start explaining every part of what went wrong… what was impacted by your mistake… why you can't do that again in the future…and what you should do differently next time.
They keep talking while you're still sitting processing the thought, "I can't believe I messed this up."
Even if you're nodding, your brain isn't really taking in their lesson yet.
It's busy dealing with the feeling you're having.
Now, picture the same moment, but instead of talking too much, your boss says, "Hey, there's a mistake in this file. Next time, double check that section." And then they move on.
That shorter message gives you room to reset, more space to process the situation. You weren't buried under extra words.
Saying less isn't giving up. It has more of an impact.
A Quick Self-Check: Your Talking Might Be Your Yuck
Here's an important reminder. When you keep talking, it is usually a sign of YOUR Yuck: Your frustration. Your anxiety. Your anger.
And when you are in that state, you "leak influence". Your words stop carrying the same weight.
Your kids feel it. They can hear it in your voice. They can see it in your face.
So part of "saying less" is actually "regulating first."
If you notice that you're about to go into "explain" mode, choose a physical cue for yourself.
- Touch your fingers together.
- Place your hand on your chest.
- Press your tongue gently to the roof of your mouth.
- Think: "Headline only."
The goal is to give yourself a quick reset so you can guide your child with more calm and clarity.
Your Next Step
Tonight, choose one moment where you usually start explaining. Bedtime is a great place to start.
Then use this 2-part reset:
Set it up earlier in the day.
"At 7:45, screens go off and iPad goes on the charger. If you argue, I'll take it and plug it in."
In the moment, keep it short and steady.
Say one line: "Time's up. iPad on the charger."
If they push back, repeat once (or not at all), then follow through calmly.
Afterward, notice one thing: Was it easier for you to stay calm when you said less?
If you want help building a full plan for the routines that keep blowing up, come to When Emotions Control Your Home: Build Your Plan to Calm Emotional Storms (When Nothing Seems to Work). Rachel will walk you through how to set expectations, follow through without power struggles, and handle big reactions with calm, confident leadership.
FAQs
Why does my child ignore me when I'm explaining nicely?
Even if your tone is nice, they still have to process your words. If they're already overwhelmed, their brain may protect itself by tuning you out.
I worry that if I don't say more, they'll think I don't care.
Saying less doesn't mean being mean. In fact, it can be very warm. Your tone does the nurturing. Your action creates your influence. You can be calm and firm at the same time.
How many times should I repeat the instruction?
Try once. If you set expectations ahead of time, your next step is follow-through, not repetition. Repeating often gives kids more opportunity to argue.
What if my child melts down when I follow through?
A meltdown is not always a sign you did it wrong. It's a sign that they are having a feeling but haven't yet mastered strategies to handle that feeling more effectively) Stay nearby, stay calm, and keep the boundary steady.
How do I stop myself from overexplaining when I'm triggered?
Use a physical cue and a short script. One breath, feet on the floor, headline only. You can explain later when everyone is calm, if it's still needed.